Grief is hard; be kind to yourself

Recently I filmed a webcast on grief, how difficult it can be, the things I learned about it and how to do my best to manage it. Recording the webcast made me realize how my experiences may help at least 1 of you experiencing grief or help someone with a friend who is struggling with grief, so I’m sharing a summary for you.    

One of the things I shared was how important it is for people to realize there is no “norm” when it comes to grief. Each person will likely experience it differently.

Fourteen years ago, my husband and I lost the 1^st of 2 pregnancies – this first one was 20 weeks into the pregnancy and after years of trying to get pregnant; the 2^nd was a couple years later, 7 weeks into the pregnancy and after years of treatments to get pregnant again. Fast forward to 2019, I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer; and then in 2020, my dad due to complications following some strokes. While these events don’t make me an expert in grief, I’ve certainly experienced a lot of it.

Each of these was awful, but the combo caused me to ask if I was meant to be alone. This is not an unusual feeling when it comes to losing someone you care deeply about. I also experienced every “symptom” of grief. What I learned is the grief process is not linear. It came when it wanted and how it wanted even when I didn’t want it there – I didn’t really feel I had control of my feelings or my thoughts. Mostly I was exhausted all the time. Getting out of bed was a struggle and when I could get out of bed, I couldn’t focus well – work became very difficult and my ability to focus on multiple competing priorities vanished.

Some days I thought I was ok to go about my day, only to break down in tears in a client meeting, at the grocery or some other public setting when something struck me. I had terrible anxiety about leaving my house other than to walk my dogs or exercise. I also experienced random bits of anger that would surface without a moment’s notice.

Below are the most impactful things I did to deal with grief:

1. I read the book “It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok” (by Megan Devine). The book helped me to understand that there is no normal with grief. We don’t go through “stages” of grief in a linear fashion and grief doesn’t necessarily end after 6 months, 1 year…unfortunately, grief is there at some level for the long haul. This book gave me the permission to speak about my grief more freely and share with others (clients, coworkers, friends, family) what I was feeling and experiencing. There are a lot of books on grief out there – research and find the one that sounds right to you.
2. I spoke to a therapist regularly. After losing the 2 pregnancies, I found a therapist who specialized in infant/child losses and after a while the visits became less frequent, but I increased the frequency after Mike passed. I stayed with the same therapist because we had a great connection, and she knew much of my history with losses. If you haven’t spoken with a therapist or have and didn’t necessarily find value in it, I suggest you try again. The relationship needs to be beneficial to you – if you don’t connect with the therapist at first, try another.
3. If you’ve read any of my previous postings, this one won’t shock you – I exercised regularly. I continued registering for and competing in races, which was difficult without my husband cheering from the sidelines, but it brought some normalcy back into my life. It also encouraged me to ask others for support, which they gladly offered. The exercise gave me a release I needed from the overwhelming emotions; it allowed me some quiet mindfulness time and it kept me in a routine.
4. I became affiliated with a non-profit that raises awareness into pancreatic cancer and raises funds for the early detection and treatment of the disease (Sky). This has given me a purpose and allowed me to create so much awareness for a disease not many people were or are aware of. I’ve found a wonderful community through this non-profit and the organization’s network and I’ve raised much needed funds to fight this terrible disease.
5. Lastly, and maybe perhaps most importantly, I have been very focused on being kind to myself. Grief is hard. It makes life even more difficult and often without rhyme or reason so I try to be as logical and mindful as I possibly can be – I encourage myself to think about the situation as though I was providing advice to a family member, friend or co-worker and I know without a doubt I would tell them to be kind to themselves. 

Your experiences with grief may be different and what helps you deal with your grief may vary but, no matter what, be kind to yourself. Give yourself the grace you need to navigate the grief roller coaster – you are worth at least that much!